mary (lilcucci) wrote,
mary
lilcucci

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letting go

I've gradually been letting go of my past. It's harder than it seems. I am analytical and I often tend to think too much.

I can't regret anything though. Everything happens for a reason.

I stopped drinking so long ago. It used to be hard for me but now I have no desire to drink. For a while I was still going out to bars but lately I can't really stand being around drunk people. It makes me feel weird.

Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. I feel like I've made a joke out of everything for so long that people started only seeing me for the playful persona I was. It's been hard for me to get people to take me seriously.

I almost feel like the only way to ever escape it is to move away. Ideally, I want to live up north again anyway. I want it to snow at Christmas. I want to be cold. I want to see orange leaves on the trees. Florida is awesome but I sort of want to experience something else eventually.

Everything gets so stressful that I sometimes forget how amazing life is. I am honest with who I am so I end up telling people too much. I end up getting dramatic and talking out my negative thoughts. Then I sound like a depressed pessimist. I am truly not though.

I appreciate the little things in life. I love to laugh. I love making people laugh.

I hope that someday I can meet someone who appreciates me without being obsessed with me. I'm sure there might be someone out there somewhere. Someone who isn't an alcoholic. Someone who is intelligent, witty and appreciates the little things in life.

All I can focus on right now is the present though.

It sort of sucks that I let someone go. He would've been so good for me. Actually, this happened twice. I let two people go who loved everything about me. I laughed it off and ran away. Far away. I wanted nothing to do with it. From then on it seemed like only creepy, unmotivated, cynical alcoholics became interested in me. Maybe it's because I always hung out at bars. That would make sense.

The reason I let love go was because I was not ready to experience it. I had to deal with so much fucked up shit that I really couldn't deal with relationships.

Now I have let go of all of that. No more looking back.

I had to call out of work sick today. I feel like I got food poisoning but I can't imagine what it's from. Weird.
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